Magnolia Pancake House aka Tha Nolia aka Fat Man Heaven aka Swine My Brotha?
Most Saturday mornings between 10-12 you can catch me at tha Nolia' doin hood rat shit with my friends. There is no better breakfast in all of S.A. than here at tha Nolia'.
With that said there's a few things you need to know before you get your grub on. There's a 45 minute wait every Saturday and Sunday morning if you saunter your hung over ass in after 10. You need to gameplan accordingly. Our go to move is to give the hostess girls the name, whereupon they give you the little buzzer thing. From there we drag our fat asses across the street to the PetSmart and browse the dog food and dog clothes/toy isle for like half an hour. Most times there's this one old lady there that likes to tell us the difference between Science Diet and Purina. We've talked to her like 6 times and everytime she thinks we're having a new conversation. We get L.D. some new chew toys most times. After that we go to the Burlington Coat Factory aka Burlington Thug Factory that's also next door. During these trips I've amassed like 6 Champion hoodies and countless pairs of basketball shorts that hang down to my ankles. As Margay says, "you know, the shit that Juan and Carlos and them be wearin". Sometimes I'll put that shit on right in the store and head back to the Nolia freshly dipped. For those of you without an addiction to oversized athletic wear and dog toys, you can sit and wait for your table on the patio.
The waitstaff game at the Nolia' is so on point it's ridiculous. They're like 20 deep and we've been waited on by almost everyone. No weak links, your cup always overfloweth with coffee or whatever you're drankin. Fat kids get extra butter and syrup, Margay is notorious for asking for annoying weird shit like extra ramikans (sp?) and having drinks brought out when the food comes. They don't even look at him like the asshole he is when he does this.
Whatever you order, it must include the pancakes. There are no better pancakes on the face of the Earth than here at the Nolia. I'll put that on my momma. They're light and fluffy, but at the same time so flavorful. Poofers swears the little extra in there is some powdered sugar, he might be right. They use all organic top notch ingredients to make the batter, the butter is real butter, and the syrup is warmed to achieve the proper consistency. My recommendation is to go with the Magnolia breakfast, which includes 3 eggs, hashbrowns, your choice of one of four forms of swine, (word on the street is they have a guy in the back who actually makes the sausage on premise) and pancakes. Now im a fat man over here and on some days I'll leave a little bit of hashbrown on the plate. For $8.75 I feel like I'm robbing these fools. For the vegetarians theres obvi a few options in lieu of the swine my brotha. Once again, and I can't stress this enough, make sure you tip well when you waltz your broke ass into the Nolia. We'll leave 15 bux on the table on a $25 bill. I know it's corny to talk about how much you tip, but you all know you're a bunch of flagrant ass tightwads with no proper home training so I feel compelled to bring it up once again. This means you Steve Balser. Stay at the house and mix up a bowl of Cheerios rather then embarrass yourself and the professional staff at the Nolia by being shiesty. This is the last time I'll mention it.
